The Mysterious Life & Times of Bug

This, is Bug. Now you might think that Bug is cute, little fluffy bundle of loveliness, and whilst that is mostly true, sometimes it is not the case. You see, Bug has an amazing ability to get himself into all sorts of trouble and scrapes. And another thing about Bug is that he never,  ever shuts up. Twerble, twerble, twerble, day and night. Unless, of course, he is in his jar, like this.

Now please don’t feel upset about him being in his jar, because he really is happy there. In fact, he carries it around with him in a little shoulder bag wherever he goes, mainly because it’s too big to fit in his pocket. Bug will often happily take himself off to his jar for a nap and it’s then that we can all breathe a sigh of relief. I once knew him to be in his jar for two whole days, but that was because he had been telling me the story of the time he was living with a brontosaurus and it was quite a long tale. It actually took three full weeks to tell and we were both exhausted by the end.

Which brings me to the second point about our little Bug. You cannot always be sure that he is telling the absolute truth. A few times I have caught him out and he doesn’t even have the decency to look sheepish. I think this is because he has told his stories so many times that he believes them all to be true anyway, which might mean that he isn’t really technically lying.

I’m pretty the stories I am going to tell you happened. Well, they happened more or less the way he says. He has been pestering me for ages to write them down for him (as our Bug can’t read or write) and so here they are. I’ve also added a few little pictures because sometimes the things Bug says are so fantastical, it can be hard to picture the things that he is talking about.

And so here we are.

This first story is very, very important, because it sets off a whole chain of events that no-one, not even our Bug could have possibly foreseen. It will also give you the chance to get to know Bug a bit and then you, too, may be able to tell the truth from the exaggerated bits. As it goes, I’m fairly sure all of this happened as Bug says it did. But you can make your own mind up at the end.

One final thing before we start properly is that although he probably doesn’t really look it, Bug is a brilliant swimmer. You see, under the fluff and nonsense he has quite a big pair of slightly webbed feet, and swimming is his preferred way of travel. You remember his little shoulder bag? Well he acquired it from a special shop that sells water-proof bags. He can go anywhere in the world, and his passport and knickers never get even a tiny bit soggy.

Now this is important knowledge, because our first story begins with Bug swimming in the sea. This particular morning Bug was swimming off the coast of Florida (in America) as he really likes the warm, shallow water and all the beautiful fish. Bug was having a lovely time watching shoals of tropical fish dart and play when he bumped into (actually bumped – he isn’t always great at watching where he is swimming) a dolphin with the name of Harry. Harry’s full name was Harriet, but it is a little-known fact that dolphins can be lazy and they shorten everybody’s names. (I once asked a dolphin why they bothered to give each other long names in the first place if they were just going to shorten them anyway, but he merely looked at me, didn’t answer, and swam away. I’ve always thought that I accidentally offended him.)

As usual, Harry and Bug got to talking, and it came to light that although Bug was fluent in quite a few languages, the art of echo-location had always eluded him. A further little-known fact is that if you get talking to a dolphin, they are remarkably hospitable and will often invite you to tea. I don’t recommend the kelp, however, unless it is well cooked. I had some stuck in my teeth for a week.

Before long, Harry had invited Bug on a longer swim as Harry’s pod was off to some deeper water to catch some bigger fish. Delighted to be off on a new adventure, Bug readily accepted and they were soon off out to sea.

Now I don’t want to bore you with too many dolphin-related tales, so to cut it short, Bug spent a whole month out at sea learning echo-location alongside the baby dolphins in Grade 2 of Dolphin School. Although Bug wasn’t massively keen on school himself, he was quite happy with Harry and her family and he was very grateful that they had taken the time to include him as he was, after all, an outsider.

Bug said a long goodbye to Harry, as they had become really good friends, and as they swapped email addresses, they promised to keep in touch. Bug felt for the current in the water and allowed himself to drift North, enjoying being swept gently by the tide.

A little time had passed when Bug caught sight of an island dead-ahead. Thinking he might have a dry-off and a cheese and pickle sandwich, he headed towards the shore. The island was beautiful! White, sandy beaches and palm trees offering shade. Bug thought he was in heaven! Just as he was about to climb out of the sea however, Bug heard voices.

“Pull it my way you idiot!” Said Voice One.

“No, bring it my way!” Argued Voice Two.

“Who brought you along anyway?” Grumbled Voice One.

“You did you mighty wazzock!” Answered Voice Two.

Bug giggled slightly at the exchange. Whoever they were, they were clearly not getting along. He edged along the shore until he could see who belonged to the voices, without being spotted himself. Bug is smart… he wanted to ‘lay low’ until he knew what was going on.

“I’ve about had enough of you!” Shouted Voice One.

“Well disappear then and I’ll keep all of this for myself!”

“Not on your nelly. Not a chance. More chance of seeing Elvis as me leaving this treasure here with you!”

At this point, Bug’s ears pricked up (well, metaphorically speaking anyway, as he doesn’t have any.) Treasure? Thought Bug. Lovely.

Another thing you should know about our Bug is that he is rather fond of shiny thing. A bit like a magpie will pick up stuff and take it back to his nest, so too, will our Bug. His shoulder bag is often filled with, well let’s be honest, rubbish. He particularly likes silver chewing gum wrappers. And the sweet wrappers where they are coloured but you can still see through them. Do you know the ones I mean? Bug has quite a collection of those. I once caught him gluing them up in his jar so it looked as though you were seeing him through a stained-glass window. It was quite beautiful actually, now I’m thinking about it… anyway. I digress.

So, Bug had heard the word ‘treasure’ and was beginning to imagine all sorts of shiny things. Now please remember that Bug isn’t entirely normal. When we hear the words ‘treasure’ we think of gold and silver and things like that. Bug really just wanted anything shiny. Currently, he was picturing rolls upon rolls upon rolls of tinfoil. As I said. Not. Normal.

By now, Bug could see the owners of the voices and he quite quickly realised that he was looking at a pair of pirates. (They often come in twos, have you noticed?) Bug had come to this conclusion as they were wearing bandanas on their heads, one had a wooden leg and the first one also had a parrot on his shoulder. They pair were so clearly pirates, that they may as well have been carrying a sign announcing it. Between them, they were hauling a wooden chest up the beach from a little rowing boat. They had shovels and pick-axes already up the beach under a tall palm tree. Bug settled down for a wait, making a plan as he watched.

Bug totally couldn’t resist the idea of treasure. Once the pirates had gone, he was going to dig it up and have a look if there was anything there worth the taking. As it was already stolen (probably), there could be no harm in that, right? (Bug had always had questionable morals.)

It took quite a while for the pirates to finish the job, but when they had finally done, they sat down and opened a bottle of something that read R-U-M on the label. Bug had no idea what that might be as he cannot read, but when the bottle was empty, they headed back to their rowing boat in quite a wobbly fashion.

There was only one, tiny problem with the idea of digging up the treasure chest, and that was the fact that…. (come over here and let me whisper it to you…) Bug has no arms. Sorry for the secrecy, but he is a little touchy about this, and so I didn’t want him to overhear me telling you. Luckily, however, Bug had already come up with a solution to this and as soon as the pirates were out of sight, he called out to one of the birds that he had seen whilst he was waiting. As you already know, Bug is quite good at languages and once he had worked out the species of the birds, he was able to communicate quite fluently.

Bug and the birds agreed a bargain that once Bug had looked for his shiny things, the birds could take their pick of whatever was left. Shortly after this agreement, they had drawn up the contract and both parties had signed it. They were ready for the digging. The birds had enormously long and strong beaks as they were used to breaking open the hard nuts that grew on the trees of the island, so they were more than capable of digging though the fine sand to locate the chest. Getting the chest out of the hole was a bit trickier, but Bug and the birds fashioned ropes out of palm leaves and soon the whole flock was there to grab a rope and fly upwards. Slowly slowly, the chest was lifted out of the hole.

After that, it was just a matter of picking the lock and again, the birds were very used to this as many a chest had been buried on their island. Bug opened the lid (with his feet, of course) and peered inside the chest. His initial reaction was that of disappointment due to their not being any immediately visible rolls of tinfoil, but then something red and shiny caught his attention. Lifting out the enormous red stone with his foot, Bug held it to the light and it set off a thousand red sparkles. Bug’s heart leapt at the colour. He knew exactly what he was holding; Dragon Gems.